Float on Floateez!

I think we have the ability to do things we've never even imagined, we just need to concentrate on the vision. Try to focus our energies on where the universe is pulling us without making excuses or being afraid and reminding ourselves to remain positive. Through it all, remain positive. It's so easy to get carried away on the current of discontent. But how blissful it is to float along on the cloud of worry free living.

Excerpt from a letter to a Lover...

My goal in life is to love. Without condition, myself and all of those around me. I have started on this mission by becoming a vegetarian again, quitting smoking, becoming more active, and reading books of the spiritual/religious/philosophical nature so I can expand my mind and open my heart to something greater.

Obviously this will be a continual work in progress as we have been programmed over the years to be motivated by fear instead of love. As I continue on my journey, I'll undoubtedly discover even more ways that will help me accomplish my goal. I do not ever wish to remain static, satisfied with what "just is". I have lived that life before and it can hardly be called living. I made a promise to myself that I would do my best to not let fear be a motivator of my actions. This is easier said than done, but like most things, practice makes you all the better (just as churning makes you all the butter). It's my understanding that loving without condition involves an overwhelming sense of gratitude, a never ending supply of compassion, being free of judgment and a desire to understand and appreciate those around you no matter who they are. It is also my desire to surround myself with people who feel the same way. How beautiful it would be to have a family that joins you in singing the chorus of gratitude...

As I type this, I am overcome with a sense of gratitude for all of those who have helped me find my way down this path. Thank you all very much. I've come a long way and who knows how much farther I have to go, but I am happy.

If they had been coins, I would have known something was up...

I should be sleeping right now, but I can't seem to take a vacation from my brain. I've spent the evening reflecting on things. Some pleasant and uplifting, some painful and hard to admit. So now that I've given time to think about them and taken whatever action necessary to move forward, I need to escape this roller coaster that is my brain but the ride attendant isn't slowing the ride down and I can't reach the emergency shut off button.

I'm guessing fear is the attendant. It's fear that consumes us and paralyzes us dead in our tracks. Fear that tells us we aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough... Fear that keeps us from realizing our full potential, reaching the stars, doing what we love, loving who we want, and living happy lives.

So why do we listen to the fear? It's something that we create ourselves. Sometimes terrible things do happen but the point is that they've happened. They aren't currently happening. So why spend so much time worrying about things that have already happened? Or things that haven't happened? There's no good reason to fret over a moment that doesn't exist. In doing so, we miss out on the moments right in front of us. The moments asking us to seize them, grab them up, hug the shit out of them, make them ours, and to do so fearlessly.

I recently invested emotionally in a bank with an imaginary vault. Imaginary because I somehow managed to create all these shiny gold bars in my mind. Turns out they were actually chocolate bars wrapped in gold foil and while delicious, weren't really what I had expected. To be fair, when one creates expectations (even those that we're unaware of) the likelihood of disappointment following in hot pursuit is inevitable.

What's the next move? Do I let fear catalog this moment? Do I break out my gold acid testing kit and burn holes in every chocolate bar that comes my way before I even get a chance to enjoy it for what it is? Or do I approach every shiny gleaming bar like it's something I've never seen before? Something new to be discovered, no matter the contents?

I like to think that one day I'll be able to approach every experience like it's my first time. Not in the sense that I don't want to learn and grow from experiences in my past, but I'd like to leave them there. Take the knowledge and move forward.

Move forward, be honest in my actions, and express gratitude for each moment that graces me with its presence.

So here's to a life filled with gold bars (chocolate or otherwise).

What's a girl to do?

So I'm on the bus on my way home from work yesterday evening and it's customary for me to close my eyes for a semi-nap because it's quite a pilgrimage from Venice to Silver Lake via public transportation. At one point I open my eyes and notice this guy that keeps looking over his shoulder at me in a coquettish fashion (which is a strange thing for a guy to do) so I smile in acknowledgment of his gesture and look away. A few minutes later, he catches my eye again and it's the same thing: this strangely demure over the should flirtatious look. Uh. Okay. I smile again and decide that I should just keep my eyes closed for the remainder of the trip to avoid his ocular advances.

Three stops before mine and he's still on the bus and the realization that he may be getting off on the same stop as me sets in. Great. I whip out my trusty iPod shuffle hoping it will discourage this guy from talking to me if we happen to exit the bus at the same time. Turns out his stop is my stop, my stop is his so I did what I normally do when I think I'll end up in a conversation with someone from the bus that I do not wish to converse with: I walk like a New Yorker. Fast and with intent. People in LA tend to walk slowly, dillydallying along with seemingly no sense of purpose.

My New York stride does not phase him. He had to jog a little to catch up and out of my peripherals I see his frantic waving. I humor him and pull out my ear bud. He starts to go on about how he thinks I'm nice/attractive inside and out and how he knows I'm smart, do I take classes at LACC blah blah blah. I say thank you, and no I don't attend school there. Apparently he does blah blah blah where am I going? I tell him I'm headed to a friend's house. He asks if I would like to go out with him sometime. Um No. He wants to know why not so I tell him that I'm a lesbian and I like girls (I'm not a lesbian). And then, get this, he asks me if I'm sure and why don't I give him a try.

Are you serious? It's not like you are offering me two different kinds of dessert, apple pie vs. chocolate cake. I said I liked girls for crying out loud and he just blew it off. Like it was a preference in salad dressing or cheese. I mean good for him for being persistant but give me a break. He went on for a few more minutes until we got to an intersection and I had to cross the street. He was still talking as I walked (jogged) away.

So, I guess I need to find other means of deflection. Maybe next time I'll say I like to eat babies.